Thursday, October 31, 2013

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


Can things stop hiring comedians that look like me! It's either making me feel like if I put some effort into it I could make it, cause apparently Fat, curly haired guys are in and the market is not yet over saturated so I should try to do something with my life, OR it's too late and by the time I could reasonably make something of myself, they will get back to hiring good looking people.

So when I saw jonah hill for the first time, I was like ok I thought he was probably one of the funniest parts in "The 40 Year Old Virgin" ..and I was like hey he kind of looks like me. but he's jewish so he's entitled to do anything he wants cause even if they aren't funny, they can always rely on insipid Jew comedy which makes every idiot laugh...anyway...

then is started to get annoying when I saw a New York sports radio commercial starring Bobby Moynihan, and I was like wow that guy resembles me, and i took notice of this because like 3 weeks earlier i saw the posting for the casting call for this very commercial on criagslist, so when i saw the commercial, I was like Hmmmm...I remember reading just this description.....

then it coiled over when Bobby was announced to be the new cast member on SNL, and on the first episode he did his "famous" black person impression, that had me drinking alone STARTING at 12:45 am on a saturday night, while my mother looked on in disgust! ....

Then the fat curly shit hit the fan when Josh Gad premiered on The Daily Show last night!!

if you could buy stock in people, which you can't (thanks a lot Emancipation Proclamation!!) Fat people would have been a good one to buy in like 2006....not I would sell sell sell.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Ehhhh

so i was on IMDB and i found out that Michel Gondry is directing "The Green Hornet" the Seth Rogen vehicle that everybody has been talking about since .. I don't care. Now, you think i would be excited....but i hope to pride myself as not so predictable...but lets face it, mostly i am! But because of that I see how predictable seth rogen is, yeah its a cool idea for "indie" directors to direct major movie (they did that for superbad, and pineapple express) but I don't know! I just feel Seth Rogen and his writing partner are too close to our age so what they do is passe or something, and the idea that taking michel Gondy and letting him direct a big superhero movie is kind of s good idea, cause he might bring a different take on it, like Iron Man, or it might turn out to be this weird disjointed conglomeration of kitschy, quirky, "Sweded" visual effects and it will just be alright, or his style will just get watered down and make no diffeence who directs the film like they did to David Gordon Green with Pineapple Express!! ehh...who cares!! I've been reading the AV clubs coverage of Cannes...I like it Check it out!! 

Friday, May 1, 2009

Some kind of clever Douche Bag reference ...if there are any left

http://pitchfork.com/news/35231-kanyejared-leto-collab-its-happening/

Dear Gods!!!!

Kanye West and Jared Leto collaborating!! I hope these two do everything together from now on so I can start consolidating my hatred, Cause in this economy.....

Everything Jared Leto has done since requiem for a dream has been annoying, I could barely take his annoying fucking voice in that movie....looking back on that movie, he surely is the worst part , good thing he fucking dies ...or become a vegetable...or whatever....throws up in mash potatoes...? Maybe it's time to watch it again.

I love when shit I hate gets together with other shit I hate. OR when I see something that looks like shit and come to find the person behind it is somebody who has always pissed me off! E.G every Boz Luhrman trailer/movie I ever sat through...except Strictly Ballroom. I love when stuff happens like that because it just confirms my taste in things and gives me some confidence that I have some kind of discerning taste and not just like any shitty indie/off-beat shit that comes my way. ahh shitty shit, I hope you are reading this for my prose!

Anyway, what is this kanye/leto collaboration going to be? 4:30 minute audio track of them watch each other suck their own cocks and pretend like it's not self-satisfactory faggot bullshit! 30 seconds to Mars..Really? What Jared Leto you always wanted to be a rock star? you fucking loser, do us a favor and go through that phase where you want to be a true artist and not be part of the commercial hollywood and go crazy and never make another movie/record again and then come crawling back when you realize you are a self important loser!

Friday, April 24, 2009

The only condiment in prison is hot sauce

....and i love it so much! apparently, these inmates make their own hot sauce and can only have it in the mess hall cause if they have it in their cells they can throw in the face of any punk pig who steps in their cell. and as they do that they throw crushed up light bulbs in their eyes and rape and kill them before the Sgt. notices they are gone!
...ahhhh...the good life, anyway I took this copy of a newsletter from other prisons about some maoist society that is present in many prisons across this great nation of ours, so I read some of that and then watched Charlie Rose with violent offenders...they are literally more civilized than anybody in my family, including me!

I didn't want to go into work today even though it was the only day I went this week, but if I called out I would of kicked myself, cause anybody who could be considered a superior or a supervisor was out so I did absolutely nothing and got paid for it! and then demanded MORE furloughs!!...and now I'm bored and trying to do something on my computer drinking a Dog Fish Head - Midas Touch...It's a "handcrafted Ancient Ale with barley, honey, white muscat grapes & Saffron" and It is delicious! they can't make a bad beer!

I haven't had an erection since my grandfather died! That would be awesome if that was some power the dead had over us! That would be so cool. Well I like woke up with an erection and had one at work while I was watching shirtless inmates play hand-ball, and that was it....oh I think I had one in the car driving to work, but that was only cause I was thinking about shirtless inmates!....Well I guess the dead have no power over my erections. But that would be great if they did and then like Jonah Hill could star in a movie about it OR Trey Parker and Matt Stone could write a South Park episode about it...Or I could briefly mention it on a blog that nobody reads.

But speaking of South Park, they have really sucked this season!!...fucking queffs or how every you spell it, cause I haven't spelled it since I was in seventh grade when I thought they were funny! Like a whole episode about that shit, and the only joke was that they are queefs....I kept waiting for that episode to turn into some metaphor for foreign policy...it was just weak!....so South Park please stop cause you are good when you make an episode about some news event that happened less than 24 hours ago, but even when that doesn't happen you still make the show in 24 hour and your excuse is like...Well we didi it quickly...so if you get a laugh it was worth it! or you have all these shitty episodes stock piled and when nothing is going on you throw them on !!! anyway Queefs aren't funny...except when my gay friend who is currently dating a transgendered person has to complain about them, cause who would have guessed he would be complaining about such a thing!?....anyway, Hot sauce RIGHT!!!!!!!
....who am I kidding they have ketchup and mayonnaise, but not good mayonnaise like Ina Garten demands....oddly, they do have good vanilla

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I got nothing ...

I really do, I've been getting more and more bored with work even though today I found contraband today! but other than that prisoners are so boring and by boring I mean hey are eighth graders. We have a new teacher and they are just giving him a hard time just for the hell of it, and since I am also an eighth grader I can't help but laugh when they do it!

it's a weird feeling when you work with all these people who are so close to retirement, cause everyday they talk about it.." one day closer to retirement..." is what I hear at least 5 times a week...from the same guy! and a lot of these people have been there for 30 or so years, so you start thinking that you will also be there for 20-30 years and you get depressed, cause you really don't want this to be your life, but on the other hand it does the opposite (cause that's what the phrase "on the other hand" fucking means...idiot) Cause you think of how long 20-30 years can actually be and you think you can do a lot in that time and this will definitely not be my career for my entire life! and if it is ....I only got like twenty years left!

Also I bought like 45 songs today on Itunes!

like the new Yeah yeah yeahs which I wasn't aware they moved up the release date
and a nother jack white super group
and Gang Gang Dance
and High Places
and David Byrne doing a weird (not so much in the good way) cover of a fiery furnaces song

and I'm also super excited for Iphone 3.0 upgrade which was announced today! there will be copy and paste available and a bunch of other awesome shit!

and Also I'm excited that Imus has cancer...JK,

but I really am excited that Natasha Richardson is in critical condition ...JK

I just watched the news today and yesterday...told you I had nothing!

OH, but I did watch that Will Ferrell, "You're Welcome America" thing on HBO and it was not that funny! I thought it was going to be this comprehensive humor on good old George Bush...and it was not, and I guess thats what you get when you improv something and stick with the stuff you think is funny and make a show out of it....cause thats what it felt like! Why was the secret service guy dancing to rap music?...There were a lot of other problems with it that I don't want to go into cause I could never and will do nothing that comes remotely close to anything like that ..so I should stop trying to find holes in it! ANYWAY I'm just glad I didn't spend hundreds of dollars on tickets like I planned to a few months ago!!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

I'll be back soon!!

Sorry long week of party planning and drinking!! i didn't want to post all week about how many mini tacos I should serve! anyway I'll try to get more ideas YOU NEEDY CUNTS!!