Friday, May 30, 2008

The Shit Happening

Why won't M. Night Shyamalan stop!? I liked Sixth Sense, I loved Unbreakable (which is the preferred stance on anybody who claims they like film..thats what you have to say about M. Night Shyamalan), I liked parts of Signs and I could say the same things about the village...like the idea was cool. I would like to live in the woods pretending it was a different century ..yea cool idea I get it...have you ever heard of a short film? be revolutionary make a collection of short films put them together and save us from these shitty summer releases that come out every other year...or also HIRE A FUCKING DIFFERENT WRITER....oh and I do not know what to think of The Lady in the Water...is it complete shit or is it a literal practical joke that went on way to long...did you show up everyday on set thinking like oh my god they are STILL letting me do this...Oh okay...Well you see there will be a film reviewer that nobody like....NEXT day o okay so a giant Eagle will come out of the sky and take her away..THE END!!!!....like i get it you have ideas that don't really pan out so you fill the movie with somewhat artistic shots like reflections from the TV and static close ups..cool I dig it..SOMETIMES, but give it a rest.

And now you have this new one where something is happening and people don't know what it is and its causing people to kill themselves and act unlike humans...and its kind of like the birds and invasion of the body snatchers where we won't really know why these things are happening....and then the movie ends....I'm all about post modern techniques WHEN THEY WERE POST MODERN....motherfucker we have things like lost now that have and hopefully will explain the random shit that is going on...so all I am saying is this movie better deliver! and i am giving you some credit on this one...A. It's rated R. Which is so awkward cause when you see the trailer on TV you see this gigantic red R because it is the first of your movies to be rated as such, like what do the companies think that people are going to be like "Kids it's June of an even numbered year grab your things and lets go see the new M. Night before the commercial ends and before I have to see anything else...and in actuality that's what people should do to your movies...walk out before the end...cause the first 45 minutes are good...then..not so much....
Which brings me to B. I am also giving you some credit for this movie cause that guy who lays down in front of that huge lawn mower in the commercial looks really cool and i better see his fucking body get mangled in a static close up. ....I told myself I would never write a blog about M. Night Shyamalan cause it is so trite to be mad at you....but its a Thursday night and I'm not drunk so fuck you...twists only work when you don't expect them!!!It's like people are going to the theatres to watch old episodes of Scooby doo...once you hear the old western town amusement park is next to a guys ranch who owns the deed....YOU WALK OUT OF THAT MOVIE!...do a fucking documentary or a comedy or something!..

Thursday, May 29, 2008

My adopted children will never know what to do with MY BODY!!!!

So I thought as a funny thing I would post old Xanga postings from when I was in high school...they are over six years old. Anyway Xangas were hilarious, I remember reading about meaningless things about peoples day in classes and when they passed notes to people and shit. the best part was that they would want to talk about what was going on in their gossip filled personal lives but couldn't really say anything cause they didn't want to give anything away, and the weirdest part was everybody who was reading it were these peoples classmates. They spent all day together in math and science and gym and gossipped then went home and gossipped online but left out all the important information (and sometimes they would say stuff but just leave out people's names ..like your friends reading your blog didn't know you were talking about them...(YOU HAD 15 FRIENDS!!!) It was so quaterlife. How could you not step out of yourself and see what you were doing? Did you really think that people from across the word were reading this and loving every minute of it(cause clearly thats what people are doing with this). Anyway I remember playing a game with a certain person that will not be named cause they might be reading ....Tee-heee see you in Mr. Griffin's class tomorrow..Algebra II is so for losers! So we would try to do things to this specific girl ...like really bizarre stuff, sometimes mean, sometimes funny...it would vary. Like we would just go up to her after school at play practice and pretend to trip and knock her books down, or confide in her about really personal issues that we would make up or just act really weird in front of her..anyway then we would go home and see if we made it into her stupid fucking xanga posts..anyway it was fun...it was like playing God...like when you bathe your dog and hold their head under the water until their brain looses consciousness and then you jerk off as you feel them stop struggling....well not really like that!...but kind of...well the latter is more like Christmas morning, well anyway .......

So I went to find my old xanga which I haven't looked at since freshman year of college(2003). And they are nowhere to be found ...now I don't know if their is some way to go find them, but they are just not there....What if i had some important information that I wanted to leave to my children...like it would be very Da Vinci Code...They would turn over my bloated body and carved into my skin would be www.xanga.com/Captian_Lunch And then this would lead to a byzantine journey to find different artifacts that have poignancy in my life....half eaten double quarter pounders, lost remote controls, shit stained underwear that I would hide under my bed, and all of my baby teeth wrapped in old report cards leading to the all important pile of books I bought but never read ....NOW BLOGGER DO THE RIGHT THING AND LET THIS LIVE IN FOREVER ..so the children I never wanted know what to do with the body I never wanted.

Bobby Flay's marriage is a SHAM!!


Seriously, it's true have you seen the shows with him and his wife...I forget her name but she was on Law and Order and died...not like the countless people who are found in a pile of garbage after some shitty dialogue by two wannabe New York stage actors. She was an actual character, but I wish I had some sort of search device that would give me her name only using the tips of my fingers....ehhh...not that important...all in all Bobby flay is clearly gay and that is based on no evidence...and that's how I likes it. Just kidding bobby flay I love you and just wish you were gay so I could make my BBQ fantasies a reality....But that fucking Michael Chiarello is clearly a creepy old gay guy!...why the fuck am I talking about this I meant to talk about that concert I went to on Saturday...
I saw the Flaming Lips (or as some assholes call them the Flips) at Jam on the River in Philadelphia at Festival Pier. I have seen them only two times before and I must say this was my favorite show even though it didn't have the space ship landing and all, but it had everything I wanted. He came out in the bubble...there were dancing Iron man (which is so funny cause people think the band is this crazy out of touch weirdos who wouldn't even know what movies are out and then they do funny references to pop culture(or maybe they just have somebody else buy the costumes..i don't know)) They had a really good set list....

Stravinsky
TA! DA!
Race For The Prize
Free Radicals
Song Remains
Fight Test
Mountain Side
Vein of Stars
Yoshimi
Pompeii
Yeah Yeah Yeah Song
Taps
The W.A.N.D.
Jelly

Realize??

I loved that they did Vein of Stars..it is one of my favorite songs by them And I was Super Excited that they did “Pompeii am Gotterdammerung” which i one I do not think I have seen them do live before, but it was one of their best songs of the might and of course they did standards (from Yoshimi and At War With the Mystics) Yeah yeah yeah, Yoshimi they did a slow sing along which I've seen them do before, the W.A.N.D. was awesome and Fight Test had this hilarious video attached to it which look like a weird video from an early 90's Troma movie of a big black guy beating up a baby and then the baby kicking his ass...It's such a great thing to be singing along with a song you love and then just laughing hysterically...The high lite of the show was when they covered Song remains the same...he did a speech about how when he thought about this song when he was younger he imagined people just stripping off their clothes and running through the audience....and when he said this I got this flash of sweat thinking that like everybody was going to get naked and I would be the only one refusing to do it and people would be looking at me and it would be really awkward...yeah well of course that didn't happen, but 5 or 6 girls were onstage dancing around naked...it was pretty funny cause the other members of the band tried to like look away not to get themselves in trouble or something ...I liked it.

Oh but then I went to check the set list on the flaming lips message boards and I saw these assholes with nothing better to do but be like "I was a little uncomfortable with the decision to have those four young women dancing naked on stage during Song Remains the Same. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE nudity and the female body is exquisite and beautiful, but to put them up their with no naked men to balance it out struck me as somewhat sexist. The sad truth is that the historical objectification of women is still being played out today and The Flaming Lips, whether they know it or not, perpetuated it last night. I only hope that if the band continues to play this song this summer, Wayne will be a man and get naked too."

Like OKAY college guy or girl...Whatever...like i understand it and i understand people take advantage of girls because you don't have to say much for them to take off their tops because society makes them think that all they have to do to have fun and get attention is to take off their tops and a lot of outlets take advantage of it....but fucking keep it for your thesis...not the message boards! And he never said just girls...it's just guys are fucking assholes and they would say that it would be gay or whatever....no everybody is just scared that somebody will make fun of their dick size!...but i don't know it kind of seemed planned that these girls were going to come out..or maybe they were just lead out after volunteering...who knows?

I forget what song it was but they had this video that just showed the point of impact for crash test dummies synced to the beat ...It was really funny and if i was on any hard drug i think it would have freaked me out ...and speaking of hard drugs...

I saw a lot of crazy fucked up people at the concert..and I "get it" its cool to get fucked up at a festival,I've done it before, but something like bonnaroo or even lollapalooza, but this was a fucking parking lot in Philadelphia...I don't need to be on Acid to sit on concrete, pay $7 for beer and wait all day for one good band. Maybe I would have enjoyed the Disco biscuits if I was fucked up...I guess that's what that band relies on...anyway these fucking people just use every excuse to get away from their parents and take acid at 1 in the afternoon and stumble around a shitty tent and decent food vendors...pick your battles a little better next time you creepy Ravi shankar looking loser (that was a specific instance)Like i don't want to be that guy, but are you even there for the music? Like i fucking hate when I go to a concert and all it is is 18 year olds sneaking in vodka in water bottles, falling over and trying to carry their friends. Don't you have a mall you can do this at? And don't be like "oh Christian come on they're kids, what would you do...motherfuckers i went to a patty LuPone concert when I was freshman in High School ..so fuck you I was Always their for the music!..LOL I don't know what that has to do with anything but I was so fucking HIGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH at that concert..oh did I say high i mean GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY....anyway I don't think I have anything else to say...and I have to go yell at the local news....

2:30 on a Wednesday night

Always wanted to blog even though i hated it ever since i saw the two words form on a cold winters night, but since I was searching for another blog post and couldn't find it i thought I would start my own. I had no idea it was this easy mostly because I never cared to know ...now I know why every fucking goon has one...So I start this now with no more intentions but to give me something to do when I'm bored...and hey if that cunt who wrote Juno got her start from blogging then i can surely win some undeserved award for throwing together already out of date catch phrases and every cool band reference I could imagine into one shitty screenplay. I just love how she tried to be so indie and everything and the people who love her movie are fat suburban moms who think they are hip and whore teenage girls who think they aren't whores just misunderstood....OH WAIT BUT THE VELVET UNDERGROUND is on the soundtrack. You are fucking indie and cool.....Has society and I become so cynical that I'm upset about the velvet underground...i guess it has!