Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Can things stop hiring comedians that look like me! It's either making me feel like if I put some effort into it I could make it, cause apparently Fat, curly haired guys are in and the market is not yet over saturated so I should try to do something with my life, OR it's too late and by the time I could reasonably make something of myself, they will get back to hiring good looking people.

So when I saw jonah hill for the first time, I was like ok I thought he was probably one of the funniest parts in "The 40 Year Old Virgin" ..and I was like hey he kind of looks like me. but he's jewish so he's entitled to do anything he wants cause even if they aren't funny, they can always rely on insipid Jew comedy which makes every idiot laugh...anyway...

then is started to get annoying when I saw a New York sports radio commercial starring Bobby Moynihan, and I was like wow that guy resembles me, and i took notice of this because like 3 weeks earlier i saw the posting for the casting call for this very commercial on criagslist, so when i saw the commercial, I was like Hmmmm...I remember reading just this description.....

then it coiled over when Bobby was announced to be the new cast member on SNL, and on the first episode he did his "famous" black person impression, that had me drinking alone STARTING at 12:45 am on a saturday night, while my mother looked on in disgust! ....

Then the fat curly shit hit the fan when Josh Gad premiered on The Daily Show last night!!

if you could buy stock in people, which you can't (thanks a lot Emancipation Proclamation!!) Fat people would have been a good one to buy in like 2006....not I would sell sell sell.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


so i was on IMDB and i found out that Michel Gondry is directing "The Green Hornet" the Seth Rogen vehicle that everybody has been talking about since .. I don't care. Now, you think i would be excited....but i hope to pride myself as not so predictable...but lets face it, mostly i am! But because of that I see how predictable seth rogen is, yeah its a cool idea for "indie" directors to direct major movie (they did that for superbad, and pineapple express) but I don't know! I just feel Seth Rogen and his writing partner are too close to our age so what they do is passe or something, and the idea that taking michel Gondy and letting him direct a big superhero movie is kind of s good idea, cause he might bring a different take on it, like Iron Man, or it might turn out to be this weird disjointed conglomeration of kitschy, quirky, "Sweded" visual effects and it will just be alright, or his style will just get watered down and make no diffeence who directs the film like they did to David Gordon Green with Pineapple Express!! ehh...who cares!! I've been reading the AV clubs coverage of Cannes...I like it Check it out!! 

Friday, May 1, 2009

Some kind of clever Douche Bag reference ...if there are any left

Dear Gods!!!!

Kanye West and Jared Leto collaborating!! I hope these two do everything together from now on so I can start consolidating my hatred, Cause in this economy.....

Everything Jared Leto has done since requiem for a dream has been annoying, I could barely take his annoying fucking voice in that movie....looking back on that movie, he surely is the worst part , good thing he fucking dies ...or become a vegetable...or whatever....throws up in mash potatoes...? Maybe it's time to watch it again.

I love when shit I hate gets together with other shit I hate. OR when I see something that looks like shit and come to find the person behind it is somebody who has always pissed me off! E.G every Boz Luhrman trailer/movie I ever sat through...except Strictly Ballroom. I love when stuff happens like that because it just confirms my taste in things and gives me some confidence that I have some kind of discerning taste and not just like any shitty indie/off-beat shit that comes my way. ahh shitty shit, I hope you are reading this for my prose!

Anyway, what is this kanye/leto collaboration going to be? 4:30 minute audio track of them watch each other suck their own cocks and pretend like it's not self-satisfactory faggot bullshit! 30 seconds to Mars..Really? What Jared Leto you always wanted to be a rock star? you fucking loser, do us a favor and go through that phase where you want to be a true artist and not be part of the commercial hollywood and go crazy and never make another movie/record again and then come crawling back when you realize you are a self important loser!

Friday, April 24, 2009

The only condiment in prison is hot sauce

....and i love it so much! apparently, these inmates make their own hot sauce and can only have it in the mess hall cause if they have it in their cells they can throw in the face of any punk pig who steps in their cell. and as they do that they throw crushed up light bulbs in their eyes and rape and kill them before the Sgt. notices they are gone!
...ahhhh...the good life, anyway I took this copy of a newsletter from other prisons about some maoist society that is present in many prisons across this great nation of ours, so I read some of that and then watched Charlie Rose with violent offenders...they are literally more civilized than anybody in my family, including me!

I didn't want to go into work today even though it was the only day I went this week, but if I called out I would of kicked myself, cause anybody who could be considered a superior or a supervisor was out so I did absolutely nothing and got paid for it! and then demanded MORE furloughs!!...and now I'm bored and trying to do something on my computer drinking a Dog Fish Head - Midas Touch...It's a "handcrafted Ancient Ale with barley, honey, white muscat grapes & Saffron" and It is delicious! they can't make a bad beer!

I haven't had an erection since my grandfather died! That would be awesome if that was some power the dead had over us! That would be so cool. Well I like woke up with an erection and had one at work while I was watching shirtless inmates play hand-ball, and that was it....oh I think I had one in the car driving to work, but that was only cause I was thinking about shirtless inmates!....Well I guess the dead have no power over my erections. But that would be great if they did and then like Jonah Hill could star in a movie about it OR Trey Parker and Matt Stone could write a South Park episode about it...Or I could briefly mention it on a blog that nobody reads.

But speaking of South Park, they have really sucked this season!!...fucking queffs or how every you spell it, cause I haven't spelled it since I was in seventh grade when I thought they were funny! Like a whole episode about that shit, and the only joke was that they are queefs....I kept waiting for that episode to turn into some metaphor for foreign was just weak! South Park please stop cause you are good when you make an episode about some news event that happened less than 24 hours ago, but even when that doesn't happen you still make the show in 24 hour and your excuse is like...Well we didi it if you get a laugh it was worth it! or you have all these shitty episodes stock piled and when nothing is going on you throw them on !!! anyway Queefs aren't funny...except when my gay friend who is currently dating a transgendered person has to complain about them, cause who would have guessed he would be complaining about such a thing!?....anyway, Hot sauce RIGHT!!!!!!!
....who am I kidding they have ketchup and mayonnaise, but not good mayonnaise like Ina Garten demands....oddly, they do have good vanilla

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

I got nothing ...

I really do, I've been getting more and more bored with work even though today I found contraband today! but other than that prisoners are so boring and by boring I mean hey are eighth graders. We have a new teacher and they are just giving him a hard time just for the hell of it, and since I am also an eighth grader I can't help but laugh when they do it!

it's a weird feeling when you work with all these people who are so close to retirement, cause everyday they talk about it.." one day closer to retirement..." is what I hear at least 5 times a week...from the same guy! and a lot of these people have been there for 30 or so years, so you start thinking that you will also be there for 20-30 years and you get depressed, cause you really don't want this to be your life, but on the other hand it does the opposite (cause that's what the phrase "on the other hand" fucking means...idiot) Cause you think of how long 20-30 years can actually be and you think you can do a lot in that time and this will definitely not be my career for my entire life! and if it is ....I only got like twenty years left!

Also I bought like 45 songs today on Itunes!

like the new Yeah yeah yeahs which I wasn't aware they moved up the release date
and a nother jack white super group
and Gang Gang Dance
and High Places
and David Byrne doing a weird (not so much in the good way) cover of a fiery furnaces song

and I'm also super excited for Iphone 3.0 upgrade which was announced today! there will be copy and paste available and a bunch of other awesome shit!

and Also I'm excited that Imus has cancer...JK,

but I really am excited that Natasha Richardson is in critical condition ...JK

I just watched the news today and yesterday...told you I had nothing!

OH, but I did watch that Will Ferrell, "You're Welcome America" thing on HBO and it was not that funny! I thought it was going to be this comprehensive humor on good old George Bush...and it was not, and I guess thats what you get when you improv something and stick with the stuff you think is funny and make a show out of it....cause thats what it felt like! Why was the secret service guy dancing to rap music?...There were a lot of other problems with it that I don't want to go into cause I could never and will do nothing that comes remotely close to anything like that I should stop trying to find holes in it! ANYWAY I'm just glad I didn't spend hundreds of dollars on tickets like I planned to a few months ago!!!

Monday, March 9, 2009

I'll be back soon!!

Sorry long week of party planning and drinking!! i didn't want to post all week about how many mini tacos I should serve! anyway I'll try to get more ideas YOU NEEDY CUNTS!!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


I think I just saw a progressive insurance commercial with a gay couple. The two guys were effeminate....more than usual in a standard commercial, but not stereotypically gay...which is very progressive to say the least. Seriously, this blog is written with an endowment from the progressive insurance group!

...gays in commercials, they are really getting desperate in this depression.

But whatever I just wrote about that because the commercial right before it was yet another fast-food commercial about their fish sandwiches. These commercials are targeted towards idiot Christians in this time of lent so they can eat fish instead of burgers when they are pulling into a drive thru and ordering their McDonald's or Wendy's on their debit cards, just like Jesus envisioned when he was dying on the cross and creating random sacrifices...or the people who made it up over hundreds of years after his death!

Point is I'm observant of subtle themes in commercials, I imagine these two instances on that chart in Rolling Stone Magazine "with us/against us"...or something!

...I will say that the Wendy's sandwich looks really good!

...oh and I totally refrained from talking about that FUCKING CUNT, Flo in those progressive commercials! I fucking hate her stupid fucking voice and everything she says and the fact that she looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal...I just hate how she says her "little" jokes and....Well I said I would refrain.

Monday, February 23, 2009


oh man I can't wait for some hardcore blue cock in Watchmen. I was in Barnes and Noble and looked through the companion book and saw MAD Dr. MANHATTAN BLUE COCK, and not some average uncircumcised cock like in the book, I'm talking floppy, girthy blue cock!

basically watchmen is the easiest movie to direct in the world....Hmmm I just wish I had a brilliant story, incredibly developed and complex characters, oh but I wish It was story-boarded out for me including flashbacks and cut scenes...oh and I wish it has been around for over 20 years so Iand hundreds of other people had time to absorb it!!

Stop calling him a visionary director, these words get thrown around a lot! He's great because he does the original work justice by letting it be itself when it comes to screen and if thats visionary then I hate hollywood...oh wait it is, for them, and I do hate it!

and don't get me started on slumdog millionaire, they talk about how it didn't get any funding! nobody would fund this movie directed by danny Boyle, he has never made a bad movie! do independent movies still not get the attention they deserve and the wide distribution...oh wait cause they will never make the amount of money Paul Blart does......I forgot I am an eastern elitist....

and don't get me wrong slumdog millionaire was really good, but everybody blew it up so much cause it was multicultural or something! everybody thought they were getting this little peek into a live they never cared or knew about and they all felt guilty so they had to give the movie so much praise! Liberal white guilt wins again ....Slumdog and Sean Penn's win!

Penn Jillette made the best point, when people say he was so great cause he played a gay guy do they forget about all the gay actors that are forced to play straight ALL the time, nobody says anything about that! if thats the case where is Rock Hudson's oscars!!

but Sean Penn was really great.....ehhh I didn't even want to talk about the oscars cause they are so irrelevant and archaic!!

and why didn't heath ledgers death prompt this discussion in society about how horrible prescription drugs are! Like it was probably a discussion for like a week, but nothing ever gets done! I'm disgusted all the time! we never have real discussions in this society its all bullshit to make ourselves feel content and nothing every gets done....

Jesus what am I talking about , i totally lost my erection and now I got a get hard again thinking about that hot blue cock !!

stop reading my blog you fucking losers

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I know this has probably been talked about to death BUT....

is the NEW York Post deranged

( well i know it's a glorified tabloid that is only taken seriously because it is part of the liberal run media...OH WAIT!!!).

How ballsy or out of touch are you to put out a cartoon like this and then say : [Col Allan, editor-in-chief of the Post.] "It broadly mocks Washington's efforts to revive the economy."

Yeah, so broadly that a monkey that was shot in Connecticut has something to with the economic stimulus package? If that is the best you can do you are just a terrible cartoonist or newspaper or editor or just a terrible racist...monkeys=black people, seriously, where am I the third grade playground!

You do something like this and in your head you don't acknowledge that black people have been likened to monkeys for literally hundreds of years!!! How does this get out in to print, how does someone spend hours drawing this and never make this connection. I'm all about putting out crazy insensitive material because of humor or whatever, but (it's not funny and )if you are to do something like this, own up to it!!!

There is nothing worse then purposely being offensive and then not taking responsibility for it and saying some bullshit like, "well if thats how people are going to look at it, what can i do about it?"
BE offensive and take credit for it! you stupid fucks!!

We have a black president and you compare him to a DEAD MONKEY and don't think anything of it during the hours from inception to press?!?!?

Can I get a job at these places and just sit in a room and point out what is overly creepy, sexual or extremely racist!!

If i did have this job most of the Shrek movies would be minutes long !!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A lot of posts today....making up for lost time

Just saw this video on stereogum....apparently, it's also a kanye west video!

My shitty cable/internet connection has been doing this after effect for free all these years!

One time the guys who is on NBC before the today show was talking and his mouth morphed and pixelated into the next clip which was of spaghetti being eaten footage. Very popular footage on the news, that and shoulders and down footage of obese teenagers.

but the mouth was gone and the rest of the face was there but his mouth was a moving bowl of spaghetti and it was so fucking cool!! I also only eat my breakfast with LSD laced milk!

so basically any gimmick or trick can now be used into editing music videos! I'm doing a music video for my friends band and the concept is you don't have the right Codec server and you need to update Divx!!!



I was cleaning out my closet because I was so inspired by slim shady, and I founcd some items I wanted to get rid of and instead of get rid of them I thought I would make my own clothes! But these clothes will be TOO FUNKY for work, so where should I wear something Super funky and unique and where so many people can see it and comment on they will think I am so hip?





PROBABLY?!?, but how about bonnaroo.....

So this is the only outfit I will be wearing at Bonnaroo 09!!!

And I didn't even have to go to American Apparel or some website with HILARIOUS t shirts to get it....

This outfit is great for a concert/outdoor festival. It's a nice cable knit sweater cut to made sleeveless to ensure perfect internal body temperature.

The waist of this seventh grade sweater was cut to make a V shape for optimal love handle exposure and flexibility!

Any Pants/Shorts are optional.

What about those sleeves, you ask? 

They are great for wiping filthy sweat off of your pimply dirt encrusted forehead when you are just dancing so much you don't have time to shake your head or push your hair back!!

And they even come
off of your wrists and can be used to pat dry several different parts of your anatomy! They are just so versatile that you will need to shove them in any of your free orifices even before they start sweating!! 

I highly recommend these for infants and Chinese adolescents!

Now I know that you are looking at those exciting new shoes I'm wearing! Believe you me, they will not be at any BOGO by you, you filthy scumbag!!

The Newest in barefoot-shoe technology

Wait , What are you saying that these are just regular shoes that my toe is sticking out of? 

Well you are right, but my toe is sticking out because these new shoes available in Targets for the third quarter have no sole. 

The beauty part of these business/casual shoes is that you get all the danger and discomfort of being barefoot on rough terrain, but you also get the stylish pleasure of feeling like you better than all of those JOHNNY real shoes who walk around the town without biting the inside of their cheeks to diffuse the pain from the pebbles and broken glass imbedded in your heel!! When this depression starts getting GREAT people will love these versatile cunts, also since people will resort to eating their shoes because of the depression I will be the smartest guy huddled around the burning barrel cause I only ate my sole and have the top part of the shoe so I can go to all the job interviews I get by flashing my outfit around my grandfather's funeral!

Why would I wear a sweater and leather shoes to bonnaroo...or some post apocalyptic depression raped society! because It's fashion...DUHHH? why do trendy black people and idiot white people wear those muslim scarves or multi-colored wayfarers, cause somebody told them to!!!

But won't the sweater get hot? NOT with my minor alterations!!

Now this minor slit in the back allows for free and easy movements and believe me by the 4th day of wearing this at Bonnaroo you will be kissing my hepatitis C infected feet, cause those long days in the sun really get to you. BUT NOT in this 100% wool sweater with cuts in it!

The lower back is the most important part of this ensemble, the V cuts and the biased back direct all of your sweat down to your exposed butt crack and a natural reservoir is created and all of your dirt sweat just goes ride into your ass, cleaning your ass as it reconstitutes your dried shit and it flows carelessly down your leg and through your carefree toes and out of your bottomless shoes! Now I know that not everybody can have the luxury of this casual/business/functional/stylish outfit, but that's what fashion is all about. Making it your own and just having fun with IT??!! Right guys?!?!? OH MAN, MY DICK IS SO SOFT LOOKING AT THESE PICKS I CAN ALMOST FEEL IT INSIDE ME!!!

OMG!!! Fashion Week

fashion sucks you losers, girls who are into fashion only cause they don't know what else to do with their lives ( same goes for teaching) and they were raised on reality TV and the lie that they are original, have talent, and will amount to anything!

You have no other skills, but you dress yourself in the morning..YOU SHOULD BE IN FASHION! you know that if it's at a fashionable store it's fashionable and even if it doesn't match or dare I say clash IT'S EVEN MORE FASHIONABLE!!! Cause fashion is about expressing yourself and who cares what others think!!! EVERYBODY CARES WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE CARES!!! that's why you dress like that, if you didn't care you would dress in the same clothes everyday, save your money and buy fabrics and design your own clothes in your house!!! that's expressing yourself!!! no walking around in something that only other people see...what do you walk around all day looking down, and even if you do you only see like 3/4 of your outfit....Wait probably less because who the fuck sees the back of the soles of your shoes...or anything!!! If you want to be in fashion make your own by sewing it and shit! sewing is mad easy and it's a skill, not watching other people be artistic and you doing nothing!!! Jesus this rant was brought on by a commercial for self storage and me thinking my sister needs one for all of her clothes, then me hating girls!! It's like me with my love of movies......Oh I like, I like something that takes millions of man hours and mind bending creativity, insane genius and hard work and concentration that I could not even imagine....oh, but I can sit on a couch and watch them while eating, drinking, smoking, shitting, pissing, tossing off...oh then They have become a big hobby and an interest of mine!

Fuck me!! I have no discernible skills that I could do anything with....except bullshitting myself into thinking I'm worth anything in this world!!!

in other news, I think my boobs are getting smaller, which is always a major concern for 23 year old men, but still good...on second notice, I think it was just the way I was sitting!.....okay I gotta go I got wood glue all over my socks....pulled from the wrong pile this morning...I'm always concerned people are able to smell dried cum or fresh cum in other instances!!...well if you ever see me smelling my hands a lot, it's me trying to detect the tiniest bit of cum smell!!...I didn't have this problem when I was working with 4th graders, cause I kept that handkerchief in my car

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Finger my Spanx

Oh shit, my followers went up to four! I'm like the next andy milonakis!

but other than that I have nothing to say! I want to write something, but I don't feel like forcing it and trying to be funny.... So I'll write something , WHEN I GOTS SOMETHIN TO SAY!!

seriously people, Wood Glue is the new Cum...pass it on-

Monday, February 9, 2009

Want to help New Jersey's economy.....

Fire ME!!!

State jobs are outrageous, they are do nothing, clock in clock out jobs!

The first day I started working there my co-worker told me that the hardest part of the job was showing up. I laughed it off thinking it was some small talk bullshit, and it was, but it is also the truest thing a co-worker has ever said to me, except one of the 4th graders at C.A.R.E who told me I looked like a girl and needed to buy a belt.

But week after week, I do nothing! I come in to work wait around fro the inmates to come up to the school building, take attendance, log some people into a computer, double click some icons for inmates who are still practicing the rapid movement you need in your pointer finger to perform a very difficult double click.

Seriously, if you have ever watched somebody who has never double clicked in their lives try to, it seems almost impossible and you start thinking, "how am I able to do that? I couldn't possibly move my finger that fast! They are trying their hardest and they can't do it!" and then you sit at a computer and your muscle memory kicks in and you're a regular Bill "Double Click" Gates! that's what they used to call him in the seventies, and that lead to the invention of the double click (citation needed).

and then I do that for three periods each lasting 40 minutes and then I go to lunch then I come back and relax and read or wander into the "break room" and watch either of the three "Who wants to be a millionaire?", "The Tavis Smiley show" or "Charlie Rose."

Then I start turning off computers and get ready to leave by 2:30-2:45. and that is it!

That is a normal day. Some days, the inmates get laid in and they are not allowed to come to school so all the teachers sit in their rooms watching tv/movies/playing computer games until it is time to leave. Some days I'll get an assignment that my boss says I can take a week to do, and since my expert double clicking and typing skills ( I use the home row method, SUCKAS!) I get this week long project in under 2 hours. and these assignment are meaningless and infrequent!!

In other words jon Corzine, FIRE THE SHIT OUT OF ME! as much as I likes money and material things....brown liquor is a material right? I do not want to be part of a fucking failing system, stop pretending these people's jobs are important and FIRE THEM!!....obviously I know nothing of economics and having people working and making money is probably better for the economy than cutting my job and then allowing me to collect unemployment, BUT COME ON FOLKS I'M TRYING TO WRITE A BLOG HERE, I need some unfounded opinion and a reason to rant, how else can I please the Three, COUNT EM THREE FOLLOWERS!!!

my little office is just a microcosm for this entire state and everybody knows it, I'm not saying anything knew, but I did not know the extent of it until I was in the thick of it!

I'm typing about this today, because we have Lincoln's Birthday off on Thursday and we have president's day off on monday so, my boss was encouraging everybody not to come and take a sick or vacation day on Friday so we all have five day weekends. Mind you this is awesome and I immediately did it (although I wasn't at first, cause fridays are fun cause not many students are there and this one was going to be easy cause no teachers were going to be there I would literally be watching TV all day, but my boss convinced me that there was no reason for only me to come in) but it was just so funny to have your boss encouraging nobody to come in and all that!!!

On another note, McDonalds needs to kick up their menu, I havent eaten there in Mad Months, but if they introduced something new and ridiculous like Burger King does every so often I would go their with bells on, FAT PIMPLY DISCOLORED BALLS ON...I MEAN BELLS!!! anyway McDonald's I don't know if you are trying to be like back to basics or stay original so you could be playing that game, BUT STEP IT UP!!! and don't throw some shit on a burger and tell me its new! I want all new things like soup in a breadbowl....or like a cheese soup in a groundbeefbowl, or chicken nugget nachos, or something gross an inappropriately deep-fried!!! SNACK WRAPS!!! REALLY!!!


THANKS A LOT MORGAN SPURLOCK!!!! you and your fucking cunt girlfriend and vegetarian your white asses all the way back to your brooklyn brownstone!!!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

There are no Chinese people in Prison

....Well maybe in China.

I was eavesdropping on some delightful inmates today, and they were talking about the struggles with their cellmates. It was hilarious because they were all complaining about how their cellmates like you did with your freshman year roommate. "He eats my food, He always gets up in the middle of the night, he always leaves his shit around."

It got me thinking how similar prison is to college. Now I'm not gonna go on some Dave Barry-esque journal entry comparing them and ending in a hilarious pun or some shit. It's just an institution that you have to deal with and once you get through all the bullshit, you just focus on the good stuff and try to have fun!

and I know what you are all thinking, "Oh what's good, the anal rape?" OH MAN YOU ARE SO ORIGINAL, I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT ANAL RAPE WHEN SOMEONE BRINGS UP PRISON!!! You fucking unoriginal sheltered white idiots, That shit doesn't even happen in prison as much as your elitist HBO series would like you to think!...

and I've had that belief since I read an article in Vice magazine about prison and it was about how there is no rape ever, and also since I was 16 that old joke, well, Got old and I've been trying to think outside of the box (bun) since then, so now I hate when I bring up my job and everybody thinks they are a regular Billy Crystal when they ask me about rape!

Prison, especially where I am is boring! I'm sure not as boring as a regular office job or something, but its a giant systematic institution that most of the guys have been trapped in since the 80's so the whole (hole) rape thing or anything that might be interesting is so passe, and all they do is talk about current events, politics, the weather, and rolling cigarettes.

To them something exciting is watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and talking about last nights NOVA!!

In that sense it is totally college, you have some people (black) who are there to "have fun" AKA gain street cred and act all tough and then there are people (black...not chinese) who understand to take advantage of the time and get as much education as possible.

I was going to talk about how prison is college for black people,(but I didn't feel like creating this whole racist metaphor or whatever) cause its like the college experience most of them never had or could afford and they go through similar stuff we did (especially, finally getting out and being unemployable, cause you made a horrible mistake, in their case Murder, in my case College).

but these guys and/or the society they grew up in do not put enough emphasis on education and they do not realize they need it until they are in their 30' prison is the best thing for them....but the young guys still think they are tough and know everything and view a five year sentence as a way to gain street cred and be cooler on the street. I blame rap music and that youtube!

Okay sorry, You didn't want to hear a passage from a Bill Cosby book....but whatever....I didn't want to be this big thing...those were just on the tips of my brain

Also I said "cooler" when referring to their street cred....I'm so white and out of touch.....

Also another thing I was thinking about at work was why do they not call Semen..."Wood Glue"....that would be hilarious!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I can't even talk about it.....

Jesus, this lineup is outrageous! It left me Fucking Speechless!! The Headliners are insane, and I don't know where the headliners end end...there are so many incredible bands and performers!!

Like I said on Kyle's blog, People who do not go are just fooling themselves!

Monday, February 2, 2009


Tomorrow the Bonnaroo Lineup is announced, and there are so many options running through my head of who could be there. I've pretty much made my mind up that it will be any indie band that has put out a successful album this year (Animal Collective,Crystal Cstles, Deer Hunter, Fleet Foxes, TV on the Radio and maybe even Of Montreal) and I'm also pretty sure Phish and The Dead will be there, and rumors say Bruce Springsteen, so that's exciting. But me and Kyle really feel that they need to counter act the phish an the dead and bruce with somebody for the younger crowd, like a huge name headliner...animal collective and the previously named artists are generally not considered headliners. But the best part of Bonnaroo besides everything else, is the shock you get from the lineup, there will be people who you never heard of and bands you forgot about and then the headliners are always shocking, cause although they are great bands they always escape you head, until you see them all together and then you just sit back and realize how many crazily talented bands you will get a chance to see in the span of one weekend.

I'm truly hoping they surprise me and have the Beastie boys and then any of the following Daft Punk, Crystal Method, Aphex Twin, Chemical Brothers, Fatboy Slim...or have all of them...or have some crazy talented rapper like Jay Z...and hopefully not Lil' Wayne, cause although his concerts are probably fun and his album is great, the videos of him live I have seen, seem terrible...he doesn't seem great live....

SO I hope the Lineup is posted before I leave for work at 7 am otherwise I will crash my car while pressing reload on my Iphone on he way to work...anyway, I wish I had some great theory that explains the bonnaroo lineup or the experience altogether or mathematical equation to determine the lineup or anything interesting ....but I usually start typing with no real point and something usually comes, but I guess not today.....Hmmmm....I also hope Amanda Palmer is at bonnaroo and I hope THe black keys, hot chip and Gorillaz Cause it would be so cool to see them live!!!!!

hopefully tomorrow I am not posting trying to convince you people and myself that I really like the lineup even though it has none of the bands I mentioned.....well too late I already have my ticket... so if all the bands suck or I don't know them I guess I'll be downloading a lot of music and forcing myself to listen to it in the next couple months....

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Liberal Media

...oh and can we stop celebrating a woman giving birth to 8 kids in a horrible depression!!! My family has been outspoken against multiple births for many years...and I don't feel like typing all the arguments we have had with the television over many years. But its fucking despicable, and don't tell me god did it, cause god didn't make those fertility drugs, you stubborn bitch but medical science did, and you know what else medical science will do that god won't, keep your 1 LB 4 oz baby alive....Fuck all these people making more people, want a kid, ADOPT you fucking selfish CUNT, not everybody deserves a baby...maybe this god didn't want you to have one, but then you just smack him in the face and shove zygotes in your cunt until you pump out deformed kids! I hate how these people are celebrated, they are the worst! how about put me on the news, I'm not selfishly depleting our natural resources by filling our landfills with 1000's of diapers and other shit just so I can be a parent!! I can't wait till we live in a crazy country where they are forced to control the amount of children we are allowed to have

Jizz MarKie

I just typed in that title, cause it came to me (pun) on the way back from work today....nothing post about, except I'm a crazy drone who can't wait for the weekend so I cannot go to work and kill as many brain cells as possible, and then shuffle back into work on Monday and overhear the mindless remarks these people have been spurting for the past twenty years...."not long enough"..."really flew by"....I wish I had some balls and told everybody the truth when they asked me what I did this weeken, instead of just saying "nothing."

But I guess since I work in a prison, I would get fired or bashed that is, after the first few sentences.

I just hate mindless small talk and I always I hardly start conversations at work, because for me the worst part of work are the people... I don't get along with most people...and it's not them it's me...It's hard for me to hold a normal conversation, especially with people double my age and who share NO interests with me. I just half-laugh at everything they saw and agree and then try to talk and I say some bullshit, watered down lie of a story that has the smallest thing to do with their story and then I try to tell a joke and they say "WHAT?" and then I say nothing and leave their room and pretend to work for the next 5 hours.

What sucks is for most people, the other people at work is what gets them through the they are always starting up with "How's your day?", "What did you do last night?", "Sure is cold out there." "how about that traffic" "This economy...." " How 'bout that Sean Cody", "Smoke and good weed this weekend?" "Did you finish any bottles alone this weekend while cursing Saturday Night Live for stealing jokes from you, you only thought of and didn't have the gumption to write down?" ...oh wait....

I don't mean to think that I am above all these people and "they just don't get me", but it's like going to work everyday with your parents, but they don't know you, so they have nothing to say to yeah, your parents....but on the other side, it's cool working with older people, cause nobody is trying to be hip or out do the other person...or coming to work in American Apparel (like when I worked at MTV) and talking about Animal Collective, or fleet foxes.....I save those conversations for myself in my car while I'm listening to them.

but I honestly do like it cause I get to be the outsider, and since I don't bore people with stories of my kids or my thoughts on America Idol, or my myriad medical procedures, or how my son is back from Iraq or god knows what?! I get to stay in my head all day, and that is really my dream job; nothing challenging, a lot of free time, and the occasional felon talking my ear off about awesome criminal things. I like the inmates a thousand times better than my coworkers!....

Don't you guys love hearing about my job all the time?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Queen of the Supermarket - Bruce Springsteen

This is an actual Bruce Springsteen song, apparently most of the reviews for the album are good, but people are saying this is the worst song he has possibly ever written.....maybe it's the best.....I just love the blue collar working class....This is sort of a response to Kyle's post, only cause he mentioned Mr. Springsteen!

For even better comedy view the Youtube comments for this song......for Example:

"For me he is the genius of our time..."

"Fucking Awesome.Great Video, amazing song"

"Not an f. An A plus. A song about an ordinary person seeing extraordinary in another woman. Many would feel lucky for that admiration"

"The Stingray at 3:15 is B!tchin'!! :)"

I do like Bruce Springsteen, I understand why people like him, but maybe do some self editing and cut a track or two...and come on, this is GOLDEN ADVICE from a nobody, how could it not be good?

Monday, January 26, 2009

My Own Stupidity....

I have been in love/obsessed with Little Shop of Horrors since I was a child. I watched the VHS so many times it unspooled, that and Ghostbusters, and then when I got a new one I had an argument with my Mother and she threw it a me and it broke AGAIN. The Argument stemmed from me wanting to watch Little Shop of Horrors and my mom wanting me to be straight....well actually she just wanted to watch Titanic and I didn't...Well maybe that makes me straighter than my Mom. SO TAKE THAT MOM, YOU FUCKING FAGGOT!!

ANYWAY, the point it I was aware of the original ending my entire life basically and tried to buy the original DVD release that had the original ending as a special feature, but because of legal shit they took it off the market (or something). And it has always been a goal of mine to see the ending, but because of my own stupidity I never thought of looking on you tube, and its not like I forgot that I wanted to see it, cause I continue to check on eBay for the dvd, but it's hundreds of dollars so I never bought it.

The point of this is that I never think about how I can use the internet to serve me. I always just find myself sitting in front of my new $3000 MacBook Pro knowing that there are useful/entertaining websites for me to take advantage of and I never do, and I hate it!

I never put things together, I never take my already established interests and search for some internet compliment to them, or anything like that !

Same with my computer alone, I know that I will never use this cutting edge computer to it's full potential. Only if mac stores had some sort of tutoring program, but nothing like that will ever exist. In closing, I'm a lazy idiot who even though is part of the internet generation and shit I still never utilize! I'm already becoming and old out of touch man!

So Enjoy the original ending of Little Shop of Horrors, you can tell it's not finished, obviously the black and white, and the sound, but it's ridiculous how much money probably went in to this ending. It's like a 5 minute action sequence with hundreds of extras and buildings exploding and people felt kind of put off by it, so they scrapped it and made it even more campy than possible by cutting out the emotional drive home when you see all the main characters die! Shame on you Frank Oz. and I will always love Ellen Greene....Oh also the statue of Liberty is thoroughly molested. That could have been the 9/11 of the 50's if any of those fictional things came true!

Now back to this documentary I'm watching called "The Land Before Time V"

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Lester Glenn, my personal hardon

So the other night after dinner while everybody in my house cleaned up and I stood in the outskirts of the kitchen doing or saying something repetitive, just to be annoying...I'm literally twelve. Fuck you I cooked dinner!...Any way we get on the subject of feeling that you are better than people, and my sister in her famous low self esteem way says that she never thinks that, and she always thinks that people are better than her. And I believe her to a point cause I actually do believe most people are better than me and I have maybe three redeeming qualities that give me some sort of boost of confidence, but since I have stopped getting approval in the form of grades from a second rate university in South Jersey, I have less of that now.

So my sister goes off on this tangent and then I go into all these times where she has joked about other people and called them "trash" and uses phrases like "how could they do that?" and "who could live like that?" and then she admitted that she does feel she has better qualities than most people. And then I went into a rant about how you have to do that so you have some sort of positive feeling about you as you slump around this world, and my sister had to focus less on those qualities, because she didn't have to grow up constantly telling herself she had something that other people didn't have, cause she didn't get called a fat faggot every time she walked on the bus by self segregating black people who paraded around the back of the bus.

and it was the worst when they would be a freshman and you were a junior and you still tried to pretend you didn't hear it or you try to make some joke, but since you have done this every year of school you are running out of material...and although I always wanted to, I could never say...."I could be skinny one day, but you'll always be black" and I would never say that, obviously, cause it's crazy racist...but what the fuck they called me worse I am not playing the victim's just something I grew up with and I can laugh at it and I did even when it was happening to me...cause I guess I was smart enough to not let it affect me, but even if you say the word "mom" to a black person they take it incredibly personal, which is laughable.

ANYWAY...point of the story, is the day after we have this conversation after dinner, I go into work, and mostly everybody who is there likes me and thinks I'm...

...whatever I don't know what the fuck they think of me...I'm an overweight 23 year old fag white guy who works in a computer room in a maximum security prison ...I don't know what they expect, accept the guy who I replaced left cause he went to IRAQ. So I guess him and the inmtes just talked about manly stuff like pussy and fighting and all the pussy he fucked with his military cock...OH I'M SO HARD...

and it's funny cause all these guys want to live vicariously through you asking you what you did in the past weekend and what you do for fun...and they always want to hear about girls so they can cum in their cellmates face while they recount some story of a whore...Well they don't get any of that from me so they must feel cheated

Anyway cut to me reading cinema studies books from collegeat my desk, while they grasp double clicking, and a Mister Simmons and Mister Clarke ask me to help them, and by asking I mean yelling "Yo this shit is broke!" So I go over and help them and they start ragging on my shoes, my sweater....How beat my shoes are and asking me what kind they are and I don't have time to try to joke back with them so I give the sheepish answer of Doc Martins and they make fun of my sweater which is Tommy Hilfiger...and they have more to say claiming that it is not authentic cause the little flag is small and thats the way they have been making them for the regular population for years....sorry you've been wearing the same state issued khaki elastic jumpsuit for 15 years. Then they get into asking me about where I live and I tell them I live with my parents, now I try to be honest with these guys, and then they start joking about how am I supposed to get any honey's at my Mom's place (cause they have never lived with nor known their fathers) and I don't pretend to be this ladykiller and by that I mean straight....and I say I don't really have ladies come over and then they start ragging on me again, until they get tired and go back to their third grade math problems.....

But seriously, I have been putting up with this shit since high school, well actually it stopped in college, cause people were educated and I didn't hang out with those types of people...and now it starts again, well it actually started in my last job which was with 1st and 4h graders and they would also get on me about living with my parents and not having a girlfriend... Which says a lot about these conceived ideas of what people should be, and a black 4th graders idea of success is the same as a incarcerated 35 black mans...I'm sure bling and timbs are involved in both...

again I don't want sympathy, I'm writing this in hopes you will get a laugh...most likely at my expense, and I don't care cause I think it's funny also.

These inmates and fourth graders from the onset never treated me with respect like all the other people I work with and I understand I don't exhume respect...jesus I went to work today and I haven't showered in bush was president ..seriously!...

But I have never been in a position of feeling like the authority figure and I don't think I ever will and it's laughable that the only real jobs I have had only require that! I don't want to sound like I never feel like A MAN, whatever that is, but I have never felt like I had any authority and maybe cause I'm a down to Earth person and know that I don't really have authority so I don't go around pretending I do, by yelling and feeling self important....or maybe it's a crippling self esteem issue, that the majority of my family has and I can never shake it, whatever it is, why can't I work in a factory from the hours of 8pm-6am stocking shelves and not have to talk to anybody at the work place!.....and don't bother telling me that there is no punctuation and most things are spelled wrong, cause I never read over what I write, cause then I realize how much it sucks...there's more of that Porrovecchio confidence...

...and I don't really want respect or authority I'd love to be the fuck up youngest child my whole life dancing in the kitchen while everybody else did the work. Hey that sounds like a poetic metaphor...well look at me ...

Geez I really try not to make them what they always turn out to be....seriously, the majority of my job is doing nothing and most of the guys like talking to me and think I'm intelligent...but these two new motherfuckers where straight out of the back of the bus and that really brought me back....

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Look to the cookie...

I'm happier than the next guys about president Obama, but give it a break with how proud everybody is and how this is the only nation in the world a story like his could come true. Really?...ehh...maybe?

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for black people and they see it as this big racial achievement and yea I understand it as that, but obviously I don't have a connection with him or the idea of him as much as black people, and I get it and I don't really care that much.I'm not going to pretend to love him as much as they do, but I really do.

But now we have these terrible asshole white guys trying to take credit for Obama, by sitting in the back of a staff meeting yelling "You know he's half white?"....ehh...white people are terrible. LET Black people have their time, lets have them make some mistakes and then still blame white they have been doing for so long.

And the news keeps showing these interviews with people asking black people," how does it make you feel that on this mall 300 years ago you were being sold as slaves, and now look where we are?"

300 Years!!! We are proud of this?!?

Well I don't know if they say it like we should be proud of this, but we should have had a black president in the fucking '50s, but we have been an idiot backwards nation for so long!

I don't really know what my point is, I'm really proud and everything (obviously, not as much as some people are claiming, but I am truly happier and more hopeful than most).

Obama as president has been a dream literally since 2004, and I am not jumping on a bandwagon, but I do remember reading the back of "Audacity of Hope" at Jamie Callahan's house and the idea of him being president came up...

BUT fucking Bush is getting off the hook way to easily because everybody is so tired of hating him and we just want to like our president we are basically pardoning him, because we don't want to look at his fucking face anymore....oh and he also pardoned himself of war that works too.

And as my good friend Kyle said is their anything more symbolic than seeing DICK in a wheelchair.....

I can only pray that he is CRAZY liberal and changes a lot of things....first off, child pornography laws.....

These are rushed and ill-conceived opinions....I had no goal, but to use my blog more

Thursday, January 8, 2009

N. Word R Murrow

I just read Kyle's very well written blog and it made me jealous. His seem thought out and written by an educated man, you know one who understands grammar, basic spelling rules and fractions. Seriously, I always catch myself singing The Jackson 5's "ABC" to remember simple arithmetic ( A Rat In The House Might Eat The Ice Cream....only reason I know how to spell that word) and the "I" before "E" rule and when I want to know ALL ABOUT LONDON. My point is I'm just not smart, like I know useless shit and I could hold a conversation cause I watch TV and that feeds me information that I can repeat, but other than that I know very little things that an adult (5th grader) should know like simple math and other shit. That "other shit" is a real killer! And even if I know something I still second guess myself like three times because and look like a bigger idiot.

It's really depressing when a sixty four year old illiterate who has been in prison since a decade that had a corresponding adjective asks you something about photosynthesis or fractions or adding negative numbers and you stumble around the answer until they figure it out and then you play it like that was a teaching technique.

Similar to kyle who sits home and reflects and picks himself apart in his pajamas all day, I wake up at 6:20AM to go sit at a desk in a prison in Rahway to literally do the same. My job is so boring and uneventful I sit at my desk with a notebook meant for the inmates and write self hating entries into a makeshift journal! But as much as I can get down on myself, I don't magnify my faults as much as I used to...only on the drive to work, my drive back from work....during work....on the weekend when I'm recovering from a hangover, or when I'm drinking ....or right before I go to sleep and sometimes when I wake up ...But mostly when I eat...especially when I can't stop stuffing myself with institutional food during my unpaid half hour lunch break.

Anyway getting down on yourself is fun although not as fun as going down on yourself, but sometimes it's a good a motivator...a motivator to do WHAT? Also it's easier, and what am I going to do think about how great I am, like the people in my work who don't shut the fuck up cause they think everything they say is so important and worth saying. I Don't care about how you don't drive in the ice and how walking in the wind is hard, or about your stupid diabetes schedule or how many famrs used to be in Somerset county or all the same three stories those idiots repeat on a drop of a dime!! I dread going to work when there is any type of inclement weather cause I know I'm going to hear some annoying fucking story I've hear three times before. I hope when I get old I stay somewhat the same and remember all the annoying things I hated when I was younger and DON'T DO IT!

....anyway my grandfather is dying and although he's been useless and a total waste of diapers and walkers since 2005, it will be interesting to shake things up in my family, ahhhh but there is the pretending to be sad that is the worst !!! So I got to go to a funeral and look down a lot and shit....OH FUCK AND A CHURCH!!!.....

so thats been going through my mind this past week!