Thursday, January 22, 2009

Lester Glenn, my personal hardon

So the other night after dinner while everybody in my house cleaned up and I stood in the outskirts of the kitchen doing or saying something repetitive, just to be annoying...I'm literally twelve. Fuck you I cooked dinner!...Any way we get on the subject of feeling that you are better than people, and my sister in her famous low self esteem way says that she never thinks that, and she always thinks that people are better than her. And I believe her to a point cause I actually do believe most people are better than me and I have maybe three redeeming qualities that give me some sort of boost of confidence, but since I have stopped getting approval in the form of grades from a second rate university in South Jersey, I have less of that now.

So my sister goes off on this tangent and then I go into all these times where she has joked about other people and called them "trash" and uses phrases like "how could they do that?" and "who could live like that?" and then she admitted that she does feel she has better qualities than most people. And then I went into a rant about how you have to do that so you have some sort of positive feeling about you as you slump around this world, and my sister had to focus less on those qualities, because she didn't have to grow up constantly telling herself she had something that other people didn't have, cause she didn't get called a fat faggot every time she walked on the bus by self segregating black people who paraded around the back of the bus.

and it was the worst when they would be a freshman and you were a junior and you still tried to pretend you didn't hear it or you try to make some joke, but since you have done this every year of school you are running out of material...and although I always wanted to, I could never say...."I could be skinny one day, but you'll always be black" and I would never say that, obviously, cause it's crazy racist...but what the fuck they called me worse shit...now I am not playing the victim here...it's just something I grew up with and I can laugh at it and I did even when it was happening to me...cause I guess I was smart enough to not let it affect me, but even if you say the word "mom" to a black person they take it incredibly personal, which is laughable.

ANYWAY...point of the story, is the day after we have this conversation after dinner, I go into work, and mostly everybody who is there likes me and thinks I'm...

...whatever I don't know what the fuck they think of me...I'm an overweight 23 year old fag white guy who works in a computer room in a maximum security prison ...I don't know what they expect, accept the guy who I replaced left cause he went to IRAQ. So I guess him and the inmtes just talked about manly stuff like pussy and fighting and all the pussy he fucked with his military cock...OH I'M SO HARD...

and it's funny cause all these guys want to live vicariously through you asking you what you did in the past weekend and what you do for fun...and they always want to hear about girls so they can cum in their cellmates face while they recount some story of a whore...Well they don't get any of that from me so they must feel cheated

Anyway cut to me reading cinema studies books from collegeat my desk, while they grasp double clicking, and a Mister Simmons and Mister Clarke ask me to help them, and by asking I mean yelling "Yo this shit is broke!" So I go over and help them and they start ragging on my shoes, my sweater....How beat my shoes are and asking me what kind they are and I don't have time to try to joke back with them so I give the sheepish answer of Doc Martins and they make fun of my sweater which is Tommy Hilfiger...and they have more to say claiming that it is not authentic cause the little flag is small and thats the way they have been making them for the regular population for years....sorry you've been wearing the same state issued khaki elastic jumpsuit for 15 years. Then they get into asking me about where I live and I tell them I live with my parents, now I try to be honest with these guys, and then they start joking about how am I supposed to get any honey's at my Mom's place (cause they have never lived with nor known their fathers) and I don't pretend to be this ladykiller and by that I mean straight....and I say I don't really have ladies come over and then they start ragging on me again, until they get tired and go back to their third grade math problems.....

But seriously, I have been putting up with this shit since high school, well actually it stopped in college, cause people were educated and I didn't hang out with those types of people...and now it starts again, well it actually started in my last job which was with 1st and 4h graders and they would also get on me about living with my parents and not having a girlfriend... Which says a lot about these conceived ideas of what people should be, and a black 4th graders idea of success is the same as a incarcerated 35 black mans...I'm sure bling and timbs are involved in both...

again I don't want sympathy, I'm writing this in hopes you will get a laugh...most likely at my expense, and I don't care cause I think it's funny also.

These inmates and fourth graders from the onset never treated me with respect like all the other people I work with and I understand I don't exhume respect...jesus I went to work today and I haven't showered in bush was president ..seriously!...

But I have never been in a position of feeling like the authority figure and I don't think I ever will and it's laughable that the only real jobs I have had only require that! I don't want to sound like I never feel like A MAN, whatever that is, but I have never felt like I had any authority and maybe cause I'm a down to Earth person and know that I don't really have authority so I don't go around pretending I do, by yelling and feeling self important....or maybe it's a crippling self esteem issue, that the majority of my family has and I can never shake it, whatever it is, why can't I work in a factory from the hours of 8pm-6am stocking shelves and not have to talk to anybody at the work place!.....and don't bother telling me that there is no punctuation and most things are spelled wrong, cause I never read over what I write, cause then I realize how much it sucks...there's more of that Porrovecchio confidence...

...and I don't really want respect or authority I'd love to be the fuck up youngest child my whole life dancing in the kitchen while everybody else did the work. Hey that sounds like a poetic metaphor...well look at me ...

Geez I really try not to make them what they always turn out to be....seriously, the majority of my job is doing nothing and most of the guys like talking to me and think I'm intelligent...but these two new motherfuckers where straight out of the back of the bus and that really brought me back....

2 comments:

WilburBellson said...

A. I just noticed that your hair looks very glossy in that picture.
B. I want to see that new animated picture Carline or Caraline or whatever.

Kyle said...

Well I also have two comments:

1. Those people are in prison, seriously, who gets sent to prison?

2. Whenever your students say anything about you living at home, which they shouldn't even know about you in the first place, you should ask them how living in a 3x5 cell with another grown man is while another grown man with a club watches them all day and waits for the moment that he has an excuse to beat in their faces and leave them a bloody mess...Anyway your post did achieve its intention because I laughed, hysterically, throughout.