I just read Kyle's very well written blog and it made me jealous. His seem thought out and written by an educated man, you know one who understands grammar, basic spelling rules and fractions. Seriously, I always catch myself singing The Jackson 5's "ABC" to remember simple arithmetic ( A Rat In The House Might Eat The Ice Cream....only reason I know how to spell that word) and the "I" before "E" rule and when I want to know ALL ABOUT LONDON. My point is I'm just not smart, like I know useless shit and I could hold a conversation cause I watch TV and that feeds me information that I can repeat, but other than that I know very little things that an adult (5th grader) should know like simple math and other shit. That "other shit" is a real killer! And even if I know something I still second guess myself like three times because and look like a bigger idiot.
It's really depressing when a sixty four year old illiterate who has been in prison since a decade that had a corresponding adjective asks you something about photosynthesis or fractions or adding negative numbers and you stumble around the answer until they figure it out and then you play it like that was a teaching technique.
Similar to kyle who sits home and reflects and picks himself apart in his pajamas all day, I wake up at 6:20AM to go sit at a desk in a prison in Rahway to literally do the same. My job is so boring and uneventful I sit at my desk with a notebook meant for the inmates and write self hating entries into a makeshift journal! But as much as I can get down on myself, I don't magnify my faults as much as I used to...only on the drive to work, my drive back from work....during work....on the weekend when I'm recovering from a hangover, or when I'm drinking ....or right before I go to sleep and sometimes when I wake up ...But mostly when I eat...especially when I can't stop stuffing myself with institutional food during my unpaid half hour lunch break.
Anyway getting down on yourself is fun although not as fun as going down on yourself, but sometimes it's a good a motivator...a motivator to do WHAT? Also it's easier, and what am I going to do think about how great I am, like the people in my work who don't shut the fuck up cause they think everything they say is so important and worth saying. I Don't care about how you don't drive in the ice and how walking in the wind is hard, or about your stupid diabetes schedule or how many famrs used to be in Somerset county or all the same three stories those idiots repeat on a drop of a dime!! I dread going to work when there is any type of inclement weather cause I know I'm going to hear some annoying fucking story I've hear three times before. I hope when I get old I stay somewhat the same and remember all the annoying things I hated when I was younger and DON'T DO IT!
....anyway my grandfather is dying and although he's been useless and a total waste of diapers and walkers since 2005, it will be interesting to shake things up in my family, ahhhh but there is the pretending to be sad that is the worst !!! So I got to go to a funeral and look down a lot and shit....OH FUCK AND A CHURCH!!!.....
so thats been going through my mind this past week!