Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Fag/Fish

I think I just saw a progressive insurance commercial with a gay couple. The two guys were effeminate....more than usual in a standard commercial, but not stereotypically gay...which is very progressive to say the least. Seriously, this blog is written with an endowment from the progressive insurance group!

...gays in commercials, they are really getting desperate in this depression.

But whatever I just wrote about that because the commercial right before it was yet another fast-food commercial about their fish sandwiches. These commercials are targeted towards idiot Christians in this time of lent so they can eat fish instead of burgers when they are pulling into a drive thru and ordering their McDonald's or Wendy's on their debit cards, just like Jesus envisioned when he was dying on the cross and creating random sacrifices...or the people who made it up over hundreds of years after his death!

Point is I'm observant of subtle themes in commercials, I imagine these two instances on that chart in Rolling Stone Magazine "with us/against us"...or something!

...I will say that the Wendy's sandwich looks really good!

...oh and I totally refrained from talking about that FUCKING CUNT, Flo in those progressive commercials! I fucking hate her stupid fucking voice and everything she says and the fact that she looks like Maggie Gyllenhaal...I just hate how she says her "little" jokes and....Well I said I would refrain.

Monday, February 23, 2009

OH MAN

oh man I can't wait for some hardcore blue cock in Watchmen. I was in Barnes and Noble and looked through the companion book and saw MAD Dr. MANHATTAN BLUE COCK, and not some average uncircumcised cock like in the book, I'm talking floppy, girthy blue cock!

basically watchmen is the easiest movie to direct in the world....Hmmm I just wish I had a brilliant story, incredibly developed and complex characters, oh but I wish It was story-boarded out for me including flashbacks and cut scenes...oh and I wish it has been around for over 20 years so Iand hundreds of other people had time to absorb it!!

Stop calling him a visionary director, these words get thrown around a lot! He's great because he does the original work justice by letting it be itself when it comes to screen and if thats visionary then I hate hollywood...oh wait it is, for them, and I do hate it!

and don't get me started on slumdog millionaire, they talk about how it didn't get any funding! nobody would fund this movie directed by danny Boyle, he has never made a bad movie! ....how do independent movies still not get the attention they deserve and the wide distribution...oh wait cause they will never make the amount of money Paul Blart does......I forgot I am an eastern elitist....

and don't get me wrong slumdog millionaire was really good, but everybody blew it up so much cause it was multicultural or something! everybody thought they were getting this little peek into a live they never cared or knew about and they all felt guilty so they had to give the movie so much praise! Liberal white guilt wins again ....Slumdog and Sean Penn's win!

Penn Jillette made the best point, when people say he was so great cause he played a gay guy do they forget about all the gay actors that are forced to play straight ALL the time, nobody says anything about that! if thats the case where is Rock Hudson's oscars!!

but Sean Penn was really great.....ehhh I didn't even want to talk about the oscars cause they are so irrelevant and archaic!!

and why didn't heath ledgers death prompt this discussion in society about how horrible prescription drugs are! Like it was probably a discussion for like a week, but nothing ever gets done! I'm disgusted all the time! we never have real discussions in this society its all bullshit to make ourselves feel content and nothing every gets done....


Jesus what am I talking about , i totally lost my erection and now I got a get hard again thinking about that hot blue cock !!

stop reading my blog you fucking losers

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I know this has probably been talked about to death BUT....



is the NEW York Post deranged

( well i know it's a glorified tabloid that is only taken seriously because it is part of the liberal run media...OH WAIT!!!).

How ballsy or out of touch are you to put out a cartoon like this and then say : [Col Allan, editor-in-chief of the Post.] "It broadly mocks Washington's efforts to revive the economy."

Yeah, so broadly that a monkey that was shot in Connecticut has something to with the economic stimulus package? If that is the best you can do you are just a terrible cartoonist or newspaper or editor or just a terrible racist...monkeys=black people, seriously, where am I the third grade playground!

You do something like this and in your head you don't acknowledge that black people have been likened to monkeys for literally hundreds of years!!! How does this get out in to print, how does someone spend hours drawing this and never make this connection. I'm all about putting out crazy insensitive material because of humor or whatever, but (it's not funny and )if you are to do something like this, own up to it!!!

There is nothing worse then purposely being offensive and then not taking responsibility for it and saying some bullshit like, "well if thats how people are going to look at it, what can i do about it?"
BE offensive and take credit for it! you stupid fucks!!

We have a black president and you compare him to a DEAD MONKEY and don't think anything of it during the hours from inception to press?!?!?

Can I get a job at these places and just sit in a room and point out what is overly creepy, sexual or extremely racist!!

If i did have this job most of the Shrek movies would be minutes long !!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A lot of posts today....making up for lost time

Just saw this video on stereogum....apparently, it's also a kanye west video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LG39Wp7OzQ

My shitty cable/internet connection has been doing this after effect for free all these years!

One time the guys who is on NBC before the today show was talking and his mouth morphed and pixelated into the next clip which was of spaghetti being eaten footage. Very popular footage on the news, that and shoulders and down footage of obese teenagers.

but the mouth was gone and the rest of the face was there but his mouth was a moving bowl of spaghetti and it was so fucking cool!! I also only eat my breakfast with LSD laced milk!

so basically any gimmick or trick can now be used into editing music videos! I'm doing a music video for my friends band and the concept is you don't have the right Codec server and you need to update Divx!!!

anyway WATCH IT YOU IDIOTS!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LG39Wp7OzQ

FASHION SO FUNCTIONAL YOU'LL CUM ON YOUR KIDS!!

I was cleaning out my closet because I was so inspired by slim shady, and I founcd some items I wanted to get rid of and instead of get rid of them I thought I would make my own clothes! But these clothes will be TOO FUNKY for work, so where should I wear something Super funky and unique and where so many people can see it and comment on it...so they will think I am so hip?

APPLEBEES?

OLIVE GARDEN?

LOCAL CRUISE SPOTS?

MY GRANDFATHER'S FUNERAL?

PROBABLY?!?, but how about bonnaroo.....

So this is the only outfit I will be wearing at Bonnaroo 09!!!

And I didn't even have to go to American Apparel or some website with HILARIOUS t shirts to get it....








This outfit is great for a concert/outdoor festival. It's a nice cable knit sweater cut to made sleeveless to ensure perfect internal body temperature.

The waist of this seventh grade sweater was cut to make a V shape for optimal love handle exposure and flexibility!

Any Pants/Shorts are optional.







What about those sleeves, you ask? 


They are great for wiping filthy sweat off of your pimply dirt encrusted forehead when you are just dancing so much you don't have time to shake your head or push your hair back!!

And they even come
off of your wrists and can be used to pat dry several different parts of your anatomy! They are just so versatile that you will need to shove them in any of your free orifices even before they start sweating!! 

I highly recommend these for infants and Chinese adolescents!






Now I know that you are looking at those exciting new shoes I'm wearing! Believe you me, they will not be at any BOGO by you, you filthy scumbag!!




The Newest in barefoot-shoe technology


Wait , What are you saying that these are just regular shoes that my toe is sticking out of? 

Well you are right, but my toe is sticking out because these new shoes available in Targets for the third quarter have no sole. 







The beauty part of these business/casual shoes is that you get all the danger and discomfort of being barefoot on rough terrain, but you also get the stylish pleasure of feeling like you better than all of those JOHNNY real shoes who walk around the town without biting the inside of their cheeks to diffuse the pain from the pebbles and broken glass imbedded in your heel!! When this depression starts getting GREAT people will love these versatile cunts, also since people will resort to eating their shoes because of the depression I will be the smartest guy huddled around the burning barrel cause I only ate my sole and have the top part of the shoe so I can go to all the job interviews I get by flashing my outfit around my grandfather's funeral!


NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING??
Why would I wear a sweater and leather shoes to bonnaroo...or some post apocalyptic depression raped society! because It's fashion...DUHHH? why do trendy black people and idiot white people wear those muslim scarves or multi-colored wayfarers, cause somebody told them to!!!

But won't the sweater get hot? NOT with my minor alterations!!

Now this minor slit in the back allows for free and easy movements and believe me by the 4th day of wearing this at Bonnaroo you will be kissing my hepatitis C infected feet, cause those long days in the sun really get to you. BUT NOT in this 100% wool sweater with cuts in it!

The lower back is the most important part of this ensemble, the V cuts and the biased back direct all of your sweat down to your exposed butt crack and a natural reservoir is created and all of your dirt sweat just goes ride into your ass, cleaning your ass as it reconstitutes your dried shit and it flows carelessly down your leg and through your carefree toes and out of your bottomless shoes! Now I know that not everybody can have the luxury of this casual/business/functional/stylish outfit, but that's what fashion is all about. Making it your own and just having fun with IT??!! Right guys?!?!? OH MAN, MY DICK IS SO SOFT LOOKING AT THESE PICKS I CAN ALMOST FEEL IT INSIDE ME!!!

OMG!!! Fashion Week

fashion sucks you losers, girls who are into fashion only cause they don't know what else to do with their lives ( same goes for teaching) and they were raised on reality TV and the lie that they are original, have talent, and will amount to anything!

You have no other skills, but you dress yourself in the morning..YOU SHOULD BE IN FASHION! you know that if it's at a fashionable store it's fashionable and even if it doesn't match or dare I say clash IT'S EVEN MORE FASHIONABLE!!! Cause fashion is about expressing yourself and who cares what others think!!! EVERYBODY CARES WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE CARES!!! that's why you dress like that, if you didn't care you would dress in the same clothes everyday, save your money and buy fabrics and design your own clothes in your house!!! that's expressing yourself!!! no walking around in something that only other people see...what do you walk around all day looking down, and even if you do you only see like 3/4 of your outfit....Wait probably less because who the fuck sees the back of the soles of your shoes...or anything!!! If you want to be in fashion make your own by sewing it and shit! sewing is mad easy and it's a skill, not watching other people be artistic and you doing nothing!!! Jesus this rant was brought on by a commercial for self storage and me thinking my sister needs one for all of her clothes, then me hating girls!! It's like me with my love of movies......Oh I like movies......wow, I like something that takes millions of man hours and mind bending creativity, insane genius and hard work and concentration that I could not even imagine....oh, but I can sit on a couch and watch them while eating, drinking, smoking, shitting, pissing, tossing off...oh then They have become a big hobby and an interest of mine!

Fuck me!! I have no discernible skills that I could do anything with....except bullshitting myself into thinking I'm worth anything in this world!!!

in other news, I think my boobs are getting smaller, which is always a major concern for 23 year old men, but still good...on second notice, I think it was just the way I was sitting!.....okay I gotta go I got wood glue all over my socks....pulled from the wrong pile this morning...I'm always concerned people are able to smell dried cum or fresh cum in other instances!!...well if you ever see me smelling my hands a lot, it's me trying to detect the tiniest bit of cum smell!!...I didn't have this problem when I was working with 4th graders, cause I kept that handkerchief in my car

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Finger my Spanx

Oh shit, my followers went up to four! I'm like the next andy milonakis!

but other than that I have nothing to say! I want to write something, but I don't feel like forcing it and trying to be funny.... So I'll write something , WHEN I GOTS SOMETHIN TO SAY!!

seriously people, Wood Glue is the new Cum...pass it on-

Monday, February 9, 2009

Want to help New Jersey's economy.....

Fire ME!!!

State jobs are outrageous, they are do nothing, clock in clock out jobs!

The first day I started working there my co-worker told me that the hardest part of the job was showing up. I laughed it off thinking it was some small talk bullshit, and it was, but it is also the truest thing a co-worker has ever said to me, except one of the 4th graders at C.A.R.E who told me I looked like a girl and needed to buy a belt.

But week after week, I do nothing! I come in to work wait around fro the inmates to come up to the school building, take attendance, log some people into a computer, double click some icons for inmates who are still practicing the rapid movement you need in your pointer finger to perform a very difficult double click.

Seriously, if you have ever watched somebody who has never double clicked in their lives try to, it seems almost impossible and you start thinking, "how am I able to do that? I couldn't possibly move my finger that fast! They are trying their hardest and they can't do it!" and then you sit at a computer and your muscle memory kicks in and you're a regular Bill "Double Click" Gates! that's what they used to call him in the seventies, and that lead to the invention of the double click (citation needed).

and then I do that for three periods each lasting 40 minutes and then I go to lunch then I come back and relax and read or wander into the "break room" and watch either of the three "Who wants to be a millionaire?", "The Tavis Smiley show" or "Charlie Rose."

Then I start turning off computers and get ready to leave by 2:30-2:45. and that is it!

That is a normal day. Some days, the inmates get laid in and they are not allowed to come to school so all the teachers sit in their rooms watching tv/movies/playing computer games until it is time to leave. Some days I'll get an assignment that my boss says I can take a week to do, and since my expert double clicking and typing skills ( I use the home row method, SUCKAS!) I get this week long project in under 2 hours. and these assignment are meaningless and infrequent!!

In other words jon Corzine, FIRE THE SHIT OUT OF ME! as much as I likes money and material things....brown liquor is a material right? I do not want to be part of a fucking failing system, stop pretending these people's jobs are important and FIRE THEM!!....obviously I know nothing of economics and having people working and making money is probably better for the economy than cutting my job and then allowing me to collect unemployment, BUT COME ON FOLKS I'M TRYING TO WRITE A BLOG HERE, I need some unfounded opinion and a reason to rant, how else can I please the Three, COUNT EM THREE FOLLOWERS!!!

my little office is just a microcosm for this entire state and everybody knows it, I'm not saying anything knew, but I did not know the extent of it until I was in the thick of it!

I'm typing about this today, because we have Lincoln's Birthday off on Thursday and we have president's day off on monday so, my boss was encouraging everybody not to come and take a sick or vacation day on Friday so we all have five day weekends. Mind you this is awesome and I immediately did it (although I wasn't at first, cause fridays are fun cause not many students are there and this one was going to be easy cause no teachers were going to be there ...so I would literally be watching TV all day, but my boss convinced me that there was no reason for only me to come in) but it was just so funny to have your boss encouraging nobody to come in and all that!!!

On another note, McDonalds needs to kick up their menu, I havent eaten there in Mad Months, but if they introduced something new and ridiculous like Burger King does every so often I would go their with bells on, FAT PIMPLY DISCOLORED BALLS ON...I MEAN BELLS!!! anyway McDonald's I don't know if you are trying to be like back to basics or stay original so you could be playing that game, BUT STEP IT UP!!! and don't throw some shit on a burger and tell me its new! I want all new things like soup in a breadbowl....or like a cheese soup in a groundbeefbowl, or chicken nugget nachos, or something gross an inappropriately deep-fried!!! SNACK WRAPS!!! REALLY!!!

AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE DIFFERENT SHAKES ANYMORE!!!!

THANKS A LOT MORGAN SPURLOCK!!!! you and your fucking cunt girlfriend and vegetarian your white asses all the way back to your brooklyn brownstone!!!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

There are no Chinese people in Prison

....Well maybe in China.

I was eavesdropping on some delightful inmates today, and they were talking about the struggles with their cellmates. It was hilarious because they were all complaining about how their cellmates like you did with your freshman year roommate. "He eats my food, He always gets up in the middle of the night, he always leaves his shit around."

It got me thinking how similar prison is to college. Now I'm not gonna go on some Dave Barry-esque journal entry comparing them and ending in a hilarious pun or some shit. It's just an institution that you have to deal with and once you get through all the bullshit, you just focus on the good stuff and try to have fun!

and I know what you are all thinking, "Oh what's good, the anal rape?" OH MAN YOU ARE SO ORIGINAL, I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT ANAL RAPE WHEN SOMEONE BRINGS UP PRISON!!! You fucking unoriginal sheltered white idiots, That shit doesn't even happen in prison as much as your elitist HBO series would like you to think!...

and I've had that belief since I read an article in Vice magazine about prison and it was about how there is no rape ever, and also since I was 16 that old joke, well, Got old and I've been trying to think outside of the box (bun) since then, so now I hate when I bring up my job and everybody thinks they are a regular Billy Crystal when they ask me about rape!

Prison, especially where I am is boring! I'm sure not as boring as a regular office job or something, but its a giant systematic institution that most of the guys have been trapped in since the 80's so the whole (hole) rape thing or anything that might be interesting is so passe, and all they do is talk about current events, politics, the weather, and rolling cigarettes.

To them something exciting is watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" and talking about last nights NOVA!!

In that sense it is totally college, you have some people (black) who are there to "have fun" AKA gain street cred and act all tough and then there are people (black...not chinese) who understand to take advantage of the time and get as much education as possible.

I was going to talk about how prison is college for black people,(but I didn't feel like creating this whole racist metaphor or whatever) cause its like the college experience most of them never had or could afford and they go through similar stuff we did (especially, finally getting out and being unemployable, cause you made a horrible mistake, in their case Murder, in my case College).

but these guys and/or the society they grew up in do not put enough emphasis on education and they do not realize they need it until they are in their 30's...so prison is the best thing for them....but the young guys still think they are tough and know everything and view a five year sentence as a way to gain street cred and be cooler on the street. I blame rap music and that youtube!

Okay sorry, You didn't want to hear a passage from a Bill Cosby book....but whatever....I didn't want to be this big thing...those were just on the tips of my brain

Also I said "cooler" when referring to their street cred....I'm so white and out of touch.....


Also another thing I was thinking about at work was why do they not call Semen..."Wood Glue"....that would be hilarious!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I can't even talk about it.....

www.bonnaroo.com

Jesus, this lineup is outrageous! It left me Fucking Speechless!! The Headliners are insane, and I don't know where the headliners end end...there are so many incredible bands and performers!!

Like I said on Kyle's blog, People who do not go are just fooling themselves!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Bonnaroo....

Tomorrow the Bonnaroo Lineup is announced, and there are so many options running through my head of who could be there. I've pretty much made my mind up that it will be any indie band that has put out a successful album this year (Animal Collective,Crystal Cstles, Deer Hunter, Fleet Foxes, TV on the Radio and maybe even Of Montreal) and I'm also pretty sure Phish and The Dead will be there, and rumors say Bruce Springsteen, so that's exciting. But me and Kyle really feel that they need to counter act the phish an the dead and bruce with somebody for the younger crowd, like a huge name headliner...animal collective and the previously named artists are generally not considered headliners. But the best part of Bonnaroo besides everything else, is the shock you get from the lineup, there will be people who you never heard of and bands you forgot about and then the headliners are always shocking, cause although they are great bands they always escape you head, until you see them all together and then you just sit back and realize how many crazily talented bands you will get a chance to see in the span of one weekend.

I'm truly hoping they surprise me and have the Beastie boys and then any of the following Daft Punk, Crystal Method, Aphex Twin, Chemical Brothers, Fatboy Slim...or have all of them...or have some crazy talented rapper like Jay Z...and hopefully not Lil' Wayne, cause although his concerts are probably fun and his album is great, the videos of him live I have seen, seem terrible...he doesn't seem great live....

SO I hope the Lineup is posted before I leave for work at 7 am otherwise I will crash my car while pressing reload on my Iphone on he way to work...anyway, I wish I had some great theory that explains the bonnaroo lineup or the experience altogether or mathematical equation to determine the lineup or anything interesting ....but I usually start typing with no real point and something usually comes, but I guess not today.....Hmmmm....I also hope Amanda Palmer is at bonnaroo and I hope THe black keys, hot chip and Gorillaz Cause it would be so cool to see them live!!!!!

hopefully tomorrow I am not posting trying to convince you people and myself that I really like the lineup even though it has none of the bands I mentioned.....well too late I already have my ticket... so if all the bands suck or I don't know them I guess I'll be downloading a lot of music and forcing myself to listen to it in the next couple months....