Tuesday, February 17, 2009

FASHION SO FUNCTIONAL YOU'LL CUM ON YOUR KIDS!!

I was cleaning out my closet because I was so inspired by slim shady, and I founcd some items I wanted to get rid of and instead of get rid of them I thought I would make my own clothes! But these clothes will be TOO FUNKY for work, so where should I wear something Super funky and unique and where so many people can see it and comment on it...so they will think I am so hip?

APPLEBEES?

OLIVE GARDEN?

LOCAL CRUISE SPOTS?

MY GRANDFATHER'S FUNERAL?

PROBABLY?!?, but how about bonnaroo.....

So this is the only outfit I will be wearing at Bonnaroo 09!!!

And I didn't even have to go to American Apparel or some website with HILARIOUS t shirts to get it....








This outfit is great for a concert/outdoor festival. It's a nice cable knit sweater cut to made sleeveless to ensure perfect internal body temperature.

The waist of this seventh grade sweater was cut to make a V shape for optimal love handle exposure and flexibility!

Any Pants/Shorts are optional.







What about those sleeves, you ask? 


They are great for wiping filthy sweat off of your pimply dirt encrusted forehead when you are just dancing so much you don't have time to shake your head or push your hair back!!

And they even come
off of your wrists and can be used to pat dry several different parts of your anatomy! They are just so versatile that you will need to shove them in any of your free orifices even before they start sweating!! 

I highly recommend these for infants and Chinese adolescents!






Now I know that you are looking at those exciting new shoes I'm wearing! Believe you me, they will not be at any BOGO by you, you filthy scumbag!!




The Newest in barefoot-shoe technology


Wait , What are you saying that these are just regular shoes that my toe is sticking out of? 

Well you are right, but my toe is sticking out because these new shoes available in Targets for the third quarter have no sole. 







The beauty part of these business/casual shoes is that you get all the danger and discomfort of being barefoot on rough terrain, but you also get the stylish pleasure of feeling like you better than all of those JOHNNY real shoes who walk around the town without biting the inside of their cheeks to diffuse the pain from the pebbles and broken glass imbedded in your heel!! When this depression starts getting GREAT people will love these versatile cunts, also since people will resort to eating their shoes because of the depression I will be the smartest guy huddled around the burning barrel cause I only ate my sole and have the top part of the shoe so I can go to all the job interviews I get by flashing my outfit around my grandfather's funeral!


NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING??
Why would I wear a sweater and leather shoes to bonnaroo...or some post apocalyptic depression raped society! because It's fashion...DUHHH? why do trendy black people and idiot white people wear those muslim scarves or multi-colored wayfarers, cause somebody told them to!!!

But won't the sweater get hot? NOT with my minor alterations!!

Now this minor slit in the back allows for free and easy movements and believe me by the 4th day of wearing this at Bonnaroo you will be kissing my hepatitis C infected feet, cause those long days in the sun really get to you. BUT NOT in this 100% wool sweater with cuts in it!

The lower back is the most important part of this ensemble, the V cuts and the biased back direct all of your sweat down to your exposed butt crack and a natural reservoir is created and all of your dirt sweat just goes ride into your ass, cleaning your ass as it reconstitutes your dried shit and it flows carelessly down your leg and through your carefree toes and out of your bottomless shoes! Now I know that not everybody can have the luxury of this casual/business/functional/stylish outfit, but that's what fashion is all about. Making it your own and just having fun with IT??!! Right guys?!?!? OH MAN, MY DICK IS SO SOFT LOOKING AT THESE PICKS I CAN ALMOST FEEL IT INSIDE ME!!!

4 comments:

The Bread Line said...

You boil the leather part of your shoe...from this you get something similar to nutrients. Also that was funny, and sick. Mostly sick.

Kaldog said...

I a perfect world I picture your mom taking those pictures for you. Don't tell me if I'm wrong. I just want to let that image sink into my head, true or not.

Christian said...

my mom sister and dad were in the room, but i will not tell you who took the picture

dodobird said...

this made me laugh out loud in the office now all my coworkers think I am insane!